Falling in Lust

By Larry Reed
March 2010 Recovery Worship

Tiger in the Rough

I’ve always wanted to be in a Nike commercial, but never thought it would be possible until recently. I can see my role in that commercial now. The camera would zoom in tight on my face and I would say, “I am Tiger Woods.” Except I don’t think they’re going to be making any more commercials like that for a long time.

Too bad, because I can identify with Tiger more now than I ever could before. No, I don’t have his fame, or his money, or his golf swing, and I may not share all his transgressions. But I could relate to something he said in the talk he gave a few days ago before he headed back into rehab. He said that he had learned growing up that “a craving for things outside ourselves leads to an unhappy and pointless search for security.” A lesson that he had forgotten as he grew rich and famous.

I can relate. Even without his money and acclaim I have let cravings for things outside myself lead to an unhappy and pointless search for security. There’s another word for that craving, and it’s one of the seven deadly sins – lust.


Let’s Talk About Lust

So, let’s talk about lust. What is lust, really, and is it always about sex? As the Catholic Church currently teaches the seven deadly sins, lust is excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature. But this wasn’t always the case. The list of the seven sins has shifted over the centuries in the church. The original word for this sin was luxuria and it dealt with a lust for more things than sex. We use the word both ways in English today – lust often has sexual connotations, be we also talk about a lust for power or wealth or food.

In my own life I recognize that my lust can have many objects. I can get just as lost in my desire for acclaim or exciting adventures or even electronic gadgets as I can in sexual fantasy.

And at its heart, that’s what lust is – getting lost, leaving the moment, escaping reality.

There is a twelve step group that identifies lust as the primary addiction for some people. While this group deals mostly with sex addictions, its description of lust describes many of the misplaced desires that I can struggle with: “When we try to use objects to reduce isolation, loneliness, insecurity, fear, tension, or to cover our emotions, make us feel alive, help us escape, or satisfy our God hunger, we create an unnatural appetite that misuses and abuses the natural instinct.”

Henry Fairlie was a journalist so well-acquainted with the seven deadly sins that he wrote a book about them. He describes lust this way: “Lust is not interested in its partners, but only in the gratification of its own craving, not in the satisfaction of our whole natures, but only in the appeasement of an appetite that we are unable to subdue. It is therefore a form of self-subjection, in fact, of self-emptying. The sign it wears is: ‘This property is vacant. Anyone or anything may take possession of it for a while.’”

This is what Jesus taught about the futility of finding satisfaction in earthly desires, whether it be sex, wealth, power or food. And this pretty well describes the people that Isaiah is addressing in chapter 57.

“Upon a high and lofty mountain you have set your bed, and there you went up to offer sacrifice. Behind the door and the doorpost you have set up your symbol; for, in deserting me, you have uncovered your bed, you have gone up to it, you have made it wide; and you have made a bargain for yourself with them, you have loved their bed, you have gazed on their nakedness.

“You grew weary from your many wanderings, but you did not say, ‘It is useless.’ You found your desire rekindled, and so you did not weaken.

“When you cry out, let your collection of idols deliver you! The wind will carry them off, a breath will take them away.”

These people sought after objects they could see and touch and control, and placed their trust in them instead of God. And they lie in ruin, unprotected and unsatisfied.

When we look at the end point of lust, it is hard to imagine how anyone can even start down that road. Why begin lusting in the first place, if the result is isolation and desolation?


Entering the Whirlwind

For me, the first step down that road starts like this. I am feeling uncomfortable, stressed. I may be afraid that something bad could happen to me or those I love. I may feel sad or angry, resenting how I’ve been treated by someone else. And like the Southwest Airlines ads, I want to get away. I look for some object outside of myself that will that will occupy my mind so fully that forget about myself. I may start researching what I would like in a new computer, or I may start fantasizing about a speech I want to give, or perusing catalogs of camping gear to find the right equipment for the camping trips I take once every decade. Or I may start looking at provocative pictures. My lust can take many forms, but they all have the same goal – escaping the discomfort I am feeling.

The problem is, I have to come back to reality. And when I do, I not only have to face the negative feeling I was trying to flee, I also now have to face the guilt about wasting all this time disconnected and isolated in my own world. I find reality and real people irritating, and I am left with more resentments and more uncomfortable feelings to escape. And so the addictive cycle begins. This is why Dante, in the Inferno, depicts those who suffered from lust as people caught in a whirlwind, never able to get free from the endless cycle of discomfort and desire.

So how do we get out of this whirlwind? How do we reconnect with God and others when we find ourselves isolated in a lust trap?


God-Given Desires

The last few paragraphs of Isaiah 57 show the way to come back to God and illustrate many of the principles found in the twelve steps of recovery. We have to come humbly and contrite, recognizing our powerlessness over the whirlwind. “I dwell in the high and holy place, and also with those who are contrite and humble in spirit, to revive the spirit of the humble, and to revive the heart of the contrite.” We need to recognize the true God as the Higher Power that is stronger than lust, and we need to ask God to save us each time we feel ourselves wanting to go away, to disconnect, to escape reality, “I have seen their ways, but I will heal them; I will lead them and repay them with comfort.”

For me, lust at its core is a combination of cowardice and mistrust. I am afraid to take on painful feelings, and I don’t trust that God will give me what I need in the moment to deal with the pain I am I want to flee. To get out of that cycle I need to connect with the depth and height and breadth of God’s love for me.

One way to do that is to begin with what John Eldredge calls the “desire beneath the desires.” The desires that lust objectifies are usually not bad things. They have their intended purposes. They go haywire when I make them my gods, believing that they can care for me in a way that God cannot. But those desires are also a sign pointing to something deeper, the desires at the core of my being, the desires that God placed in me, desires to be fully known and fully loved, to be deeply and intimately connected with other people, to feel significant. These are God given desires that God wants to fulfill in me through my relationships with God and the people God has placed in my life.

I recently had someone help me in a process of recognizing and supporting these true desires. The thinking behind it is this: when we can recognize our deepest desires and take steps to feed them in healthy ways, then we begin to see how God wants to gives us the desires of our heart. Our trust in God and in our own feelings grows, and we learn to connect with God and others in those times of discomfort when we want to get away.


Desires of the Heart Exercise

Take a little time to get relaxed. Put yourself in a position to listen to your heart. I will ask you a question and I want you to let your heart give you the answer. Your head might want to respond first, so you should let that pass and listen to your heart. Okay, ready? Here is the question, listen till you get the answer. “What is your heart’s desire?”

. . .

Once you have your answer to that question, I have a second question for you. It might sound familiar. Ready? “What is the desire of your heart?”

. . .

Now that you have answered those questions, look back at what you have written. For each desire you have listed, think of one action you can take on a regular basis, daily or weekly, to feed that desire. I’ll give you a couple of examples. The friend who took me through this exercise said that one of his heart’s desires was to learn how to love unconditionally. The action that he developed to feed that desire was to give money to people who were begging and would now show appreciation for it. By doing this he would learn to show love without receiving anything in return. Another person who did this was an unemployed man. His heart’s desire is to nurture his family. The practical action that came to him was to fix dinner for his family once a week. So take some time to write down practical actions that you can take on a regular basis, every day or every week, to feed the desires that you have listed. Again, your head might want to answer first, but listen to your heart.

. . .

When my friend did this exercise with me he had me list five desires of my heart, so you might want to take the time to list more desires and actions to feed them. When you do, go back over the list and look at the actions that you have listed. Make sure that they are reasonable things that you can accomplish on a regular basis. And then make a covenant with your heart and with God that you will do them.

Steven Covey says that trust begins by making and keeping promises to yourself. As you take time to keep your promises and feed the desires of your heart, you will come closer to the God who gave them to you. And in doing so you will learn to trust what is inside you, the feelings and desires that God gave you. And then when you feel the compulsion to get away, to lose yourself in things outside yourself, you will know that you can go deeper, go inside to the desire beneath the desire and know that God will meet you with all you need.

For all of us who have been trapped in lust, this is what the high and lofty One says who inhabits eternity, “I have given you the real desires of your heart. I dwell with those who are contrite and humble in spirit. I will not continually accuse. I have seen your ways, and I will heal you.”

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Desires of the Heart

What is the desire of my heart?

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Practical action I can do to feed that desire

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